Dear person or persons whose occasional internet banter and shared obsessions I partake in and enjoy: You are in my Optimal Communication Zone.  I can never ever tell you this in a personal and direct manner, because good god I’m not even half as clingy and creepy as that would inevitably come out.  The point is, I need you no closer than exactly where you are. I consider you a valued friend on the basis of a sporadic exchange of cat pictures and rage.  I have zero desire for daily how-are-you-doing’s or let’s-have-a-drink’s or let-me-tell-you-all-my-feelings’es.   I wouldn’t dream of wanting to spend great amounts of real life time around you, because I’m a solitary ass and tolerate people so much better when they are contained in small boxes on my computer screen.

Congratulations; you may very well be one of my dearest friends, but don’t worry, there’ll be no hugging. Ever.